When all that’s Left is bullies

“Anyone who fights with monsters should make sure that he does not, in the process, become a monster. And when you look too long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” — from “Beyond Good and Evil”, by Friedrich Nietzsche The greatness in my lede quote to this column is that it transcends time. The precept will never be archaic. It also speaks to the most basic of human foibles.  We silly humans tend to concede to emotions in lieu of reason and logic. We are passionate animals.…

Be prepared…to leave

“I would like to hear you scream in pain.” “Play some rap music.” — from the film “The Last Boy Scout”. Although it may grow tiresome for some that read my columns, there is a reason why I always harken back to my upbringing in South Philadelphia. Many times in this space, the mission of this column is to compare my former life as a big city kid to my current life as a middle-aged man in northern Utah. Your Humble Columnist attempts to convey to my dozens of readers…

Don’t laugh

“If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks, it’s not funny.” Also, “Comedy is tragedy plus time.” — both from the Woody Allen film, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” This past weekend, the White House Correspondents Dinner was held. At this annual soiree journalists, media personalities, politicians, and actual celebrities intermingle as the Washington, D.C. media gives out awards. The two main events of the evening are the President of the United States making a few comments followed by a comedian scathingly rebuking all things Washington. President Trump has not shown up…

The Art (Bell) of conspiracy theories

“It’s a mystery! It’s a mystery wrapped in the riddle inside of an enigma!” — Joe Pesci, from the Oliver Stone film, “JFK”. Art Bell is dead. I did not kill him. But, if I had, it would be stupid to admit it. When the official story is released, Art Bell will be declared the mortal victim of lung cancer—and that is just what the Kardashians want us to think! Yes, the Kardashians were in cahoots with the CIA, Vladimir Putin and professional wrestler John Cena to eliminate Art Bell.…

Pot of gold

“But let me get to the point. Let’s roll another joint. And turn the radio loud. I’m too alone to be proud.” —from the song “You Don’t Know How It Feels”, by Tom Petty (RIP) I often refer to Utah as a theocracy. I am of the belief that a majority of the elected politicians in Utah believe that their first priority is to promote and implement the moral tenets espoused by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To me, this is un-American. It is more than allowable…

Christian Conservatism is dead

“Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” —Proverbs 22:6 By supporting the candidacy and presidency of Donald J. Trump, Christian Conservatives in America have proven themselves to be ideological hypocrites more interested in having their obtuse phobias appeased by an avaricious madman than holding to the bedrock principles laid out by Jesus in his ministry as it is accepted in the canonical Bible. That’s it. Column over. I’m heading out to grab some lunch. Wait! Don’t…

Will work for fools

“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t working here no more.” —Johnny Paycheck Two hours before I typed this sentence, Gary Cohn resigned as President Donald J. Trump’s chief economic advisor. This is major news because Cohn was one of the few people working in the Trump White House that actually knew how to do his job. This happened in the same week that Hope Hicks, Trump’s Communication Director, announced she is leaving. Also this week, Chief of Staff John Kelly gave an interview where he appeared to openly…

Dogs and hipsters need not apply

“In time, we hate that which we often fear.” — from “Antony and Cleopatra”, by William Shakespeare Before I was beset by a string of bizarre injuries that have rendered my legs virtually useless for most of 2018, I used to enjoy taking my dog Cooper for a run in the Logan City park across the street from my house. I would take “The Coop” for this run about 11 PM, which matters not since dogs are not allowed in the park day or night. I just admitted in this…

GOP – Grisly Old Perverts

“No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.” —Sideshow Bob (R), from “The Simpsons”. What is a Republican? Is the Grand Old Party a harbinger of small government? The place for business-friendly limitations of federal regulations? The party of the awkward proper noun Family Values? The clinging vestige of Christianity as the burgeoning secular American society? Or, as we have seen fully displayed in the past two years, are Republicans no more than a rabidly horrific enclave of sexual predators elected to office…

The vanity of dictators

“Democracy is beautiful in theory. In practice, it is a fallacy.” — Benito Mussolini You could feel the love. Watching American President Donald Trump sitting next to Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, it was easy to see that these were two like-minded men. It was like two frat brothers reuniting 25 years after college graduation to rehash all their terroristic campus exploits in a wave of sociopathic nostalgia. There they were in a bizarre hand clutch during a group photograph of Asian leaders with the American president. There was Trump offering…