The Art (Bell) of conspiracy theories

“It’s a mystery! It’s a mystery wrapped in the riddle inside of an enigma!” — Joe Pesci, from the Oliver Stone film, “JFK”. Art Bell is dead. I did not kill him. But, if I had, it would be stupid to admit it. When the official story is released, Art Bell will be declared the mortal victim of lung cancer—and that is just what the Kardashians want us to think! Yes, the Kardashians were in cahoots with the CIA, Vladimir Putin and professional wrestler John Cena to eliminate Art Bell.…

Pot of gold

“But let me get to the point. Let’s roll another joint. And turn the radio loud. I’m too alone to be proud.” —from the song “You Don’t Know How It Feels”, by Tom Petty (RIP) I often refer to Utah as a theocracy. I am of the belief that a majority of the elected politicians in Utah believe that their first priority is to promote and implement the moral tenets espoused by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To me, this is un-American. It is more than allowable…

Christian Conservatism is dead

“Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” —Proverbs 22:6 By supporting the candidacy and presidency of Donald J. Trump, Christian Conservatives in America have proven themselves to be ideological hypocrites more interested in having their obtuse phobias appeased by an avaricious madman than holding to the bedrock principles laid out by Jesus in his ministry as it is accepted in the canonical Bible. That’s it. Column over. I’m heading out to grab some lunch. Wait! Don’t…

Will work for fools

“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t working here no more.” —Johnny Paycheck Two hours before I typed this sentence, Gary Cohn resigned as President Donald J. Trump’s chief economic advisor. This is major news because Cohn was one of the few people working in the Trump White House that actually knew how to do his job. This happened in the same week that Hope Hicks, Trump’s Communication Director, announced she is leaving. Also this week, Chief of Staff John Kelly gave an interview where he appeared to openly…

Dogs and hipsters need not apply

“In time, we hate that which we often fear.” — from “Antony and Cleopatra”, by William Shakespeare Before I was beset by a string of bizarre injuries that have rendered my legs virtually useless for most of 2018, I used to enjoy taking my dog Cooper for a run in the Logan City park across the street from my house. I would take “The Coop” for this run about 11 PM, which matters not since dogs are not allowed in the park day or night. I just admitted in this…

GOP – Grisly Old Perverts

“No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.” —Sideshow Bob (R), from “The Simpsons”. What is a Republican? Is the Grand Old Party a harbinger of small government? The place for business-friendly limitations of federal regulations? The party of the awkward proper noun Family Values? The clinging vestige of Christianity as the burgeoning secular American society? Or, as we have seen fully displayed in the past two years, are Republicans no more than a rabidly horrific enclave of sexual predators elected to office…

The vanity of dictators

“Democracy is beautiful in theory. In practice, it is a fallacy.” — Benito Mussolini You could feel the love. Watching American President Donald Trump sitting next to Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, it was easy to see that these were two like-minded men. It was like two frat brothers reuniting 25 years after college graduation to rehash all their terroristic campus exploits in a wave of sociopathic nostalgia. There they were in a bizarre hand clutch during a group photograph of Asian leaders with the American president. There was Trump offering…

Latinos of Cache Valley

Last week I was invited to watch a short film produced by my friend Mason Wendell. The film consisted of interviews with Latinos who live in Cache Valley describing their experiences in Northern Utah. Shown in the auditorium of Utah State University’s Taggart Student Center, “Logan, We Are Your Neighbors!” (English title) was an enlightening and refreshing experience. After the film, representatives from the USU group Latinx Creative Society—who brought this film to fruition—held a panel discussion where they discussed what it was like to be students of Hispanic descent…

Leave Utah…and take your sin juice with you!

“If you don’t like Utah, leave!” —Many people responding to my “Utah bashing” columns. Utah just cannot help itself when it comes to booze. More specifically, Mormon politicians that run Utah like a theocracy just will not stop passing laws that make beer drinkers feel like 2nd class citizens. It is a fetish they cannot quit. Earlier this year, Utah pols voted to lower the legal drinking limit to .05 from .08. That is no better than a single drink for someone of average height and weight. The blowback was…

Killer pain

“One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small. And the ones that mother gives you, don’t do anything at all.” —from the song “White Rabbit”, by Jefferson Airplane I suffer from gout. I first noticed the problem when I was living back home in Philadelphia in the early 2000’s. In my younger days I was a rub-some-dirt-on-it kind of guy, so I did not know why I was getting this brutal, omnipresent pain in my knee. Eventually I sought a doctor’s care. Without diagnosing the problem, he…