Curt Bramble Roasts Paul Rolly

Last week, the Salt Lake Tribune hosted a night honoring Paul Rolly for 42 years in journalism. Senator Curt Bramble was there to roast Rolly. A video of the roast is below.

Curt Bramble Roasts Paul Rolly
by Senator Curt Bramble

We just passed the PRC resolution and I have to tell you that as the Senate sponsor of SB54, I haven’t seen this hostile of a crowd since the State Republican Convention last Saturday.

We are here to roast Paul Rolly.  In that spirit, I could say that …

He has no equal. Everybody is better, but I won’t.

I could say that Paul has an inferiority complex… and it’s fully justified, but I won’t.

I could even say that he has a really low opinion of others. He considers them equal, but I won’t.

In fact, Paul mentioned his mental health a few minutes ago, so I could tell about the time he once called the suicide hotline.  He dialed the wrong number, got the State Republican office, and they told him he was doing the right thing, but I won’t.

As I was waiting back stage, my wife sent me a text and told me to be nice.  So here goes…

When I was asked to participate in a Paul Rolly roast, I was a little hesitant. I mean, roasts are about coming up with vicious, outright lies and zingers with no respect for the target that tears them down for a laugh at their expense. That’s just not me.

I needed an expert, so I called the one person I know is capable of all those things: Paul Rolly.

Seriously, though, I needed someone who is as underhanded, devious and occasionally as humorous as Paul, so I called my good friend Sen. Dabakis and asked him what I should say. “Sen. Bramble. Curt,” he said, “I’d love to help, but Democrats don’t usually go after party leadership like that.”

I know Jim will be up here in a little while to extols Paul’s virtues. It promises to be the shortest time he’s spent in front of a microphone in his life.

So where to start? Really, what can you say about a man who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he’s not the man we’re honoring tonight. No, tonight is all about you, Paul. Just like your past 40 years in journalism.

Ah, jokes about his hygiene… (rolls out long piece of paper) … Nah, too easy. (throw to the side)

Jokes about his mom… (throw card away)

Jokes about his wife… (throw card away)

Jokes about his second wife… (throw card away)

Maybe we’ll just talk about Paul for a minute. To be fair, no one calls out hypocrites like he does. He doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word fear. But then again, he doesn’t know the meanings of most words.

Utah State Senator Curt Bramble roasts Salt Lake Tribune columnist Paul Rolly.
Utah State Senator Curt Bramble roasts Salt Lake Tribune columnist Paul Rolly.

Paul IS a man who practices what he preaches. No one I know is more Earth friendly than Paul Rolly. Just look at all the columns he recycles.

He tackles tough issues that we as lawmakers struggle with. In fact, he seems to have answers for everything… they’re the wrong answers, but they ARE answers.

Even after 40 years, Paul doesn’t hesitate to tackle the big issues. My Senate buddies and I carefully scour his column every week to see if we have any unpaid parking tickets.

Without Paul, where would alcohol policy in Utah be today? Oh, that reminds me Paul, (reach into pocket, pull out small piece of paper) I have a message here from your AA sponsor. He says he hasn’t heard from you in a while.

And let’s not forget what a champion he has been in the vital cause of transparency! Just ask all his anonymous sources.

Now, we all know that Paul uses anonymous sources. But what you may not know is that due to his incredibly advanced age and his self-medication (drinking motion with hand), Paul’s memory ain’t what it used to be.

We’ve all gotten the call from Paul asking us to be a second source on a story that we leaked to him just that morning. (shake head, rolling eyes) The most difficult part is deciding whether you remind him you’re the leaker or just tell him you’re happy to be a second source.

I’m just kidding. We all know Paul would never get a second source.

Though perhaps his sourcing leaves something to be desired, I think it’s safe to say that he’s the kind of guy who’s always got his ear to the ground. OK, I promise, that’s the last time I’ll bring up his drinking problem.

I know that Paul calls himself a progressive. But taking a look at his industry gives me pause about that claim. His business is owned by a hedge fund, they pay workers next to nothing, cut down 250 million trees per year, consume huge amounts of ink and electricity to finally produce a product that is then delivered — often using child labor — right to your door. Paul, that’s barely progressive for NINETEEN-15, let alone TWENTY-15.

1915, by the way, also happens to be the first year Paul’s column came out. Maybe that’s why he’s so old school. Compared to the journalists of today, Paul is a real throw back. He’s a hard-nosed investigator who brings down the establishment. He reminds me of guys like J. Edgar Hoover, who tenaciously went after bad guys, sunk his teeth in, and never let go. And then there’s the fishnets, but may-be that’s for another time.

Congratulations on your successes, Paul. It was an honor to be asked here tonight. You are a guy who literally has it all, except for respect, love, health, reputation, honor, friends, good parents, good looks, money, personality, and professionalism. Yes, besides those things, you’ve got it all.

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