“Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President.”

—Lyndon Baines Johnson, March 31st, 1968.


by Harry Caines

After consulting no one—and with absolutely no evidence that anyone had asked, called for or considered me a viable option for the office—I am announcing that I will not be a candidate for Logan City Mayor.

I did not come to this decision lightly. And I certainly did not take the possibility of my being mayor seriously. When all my thinking was done, only one issue really kept me from putting my name into consideration for an office that paid enough money for me to double my visits to Idaho to buy good beer and lottery tickets.

That being, when I would tally less than 100 votes, it would have hurt my feelings. And I do not want to give you people the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

My sole path to victory would be if the only other candidate was a Libertarian. They couldn’t beat a snake in a tap dancing competition.

When current Logan Mayor Craig Petersen announced last week he would not seek another term, it was somewhat surprising. Yes, he had promised when he ran four years ago not to seek a second term.

So what? In 2012, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said during his campaign that that would be his last…and he is now considering running again. I was at Mount Logan Middle School when he made that statement. I was 20 feet away from him. I was in the room. He said it.

Mayor Petersen is keeping his word. A public servant that keeps his word is worthy, in this cynical era, of our praise. Thank you, sir.

The void must be filled. And I would be the guy to do it if Loganites (Loganers?) could overlook my lack of political experience, abrasive personality, vulgar disposition and my lengthy history of insulting just about every single voting bloc in the whole of the town.

You would think that given what an uncouth oaf we currently have as President of the United States that this would be the opportune moment for someone with my acerbic demeanor to ascend to political power. Unfortunately, many in Logan voted for Lord Tiny Hands. And I consider those voters to be ignorant, stupid and inferior to me both intellectually and morally.

Not a good pitch to make to win an election, is it?

One thing I would like to make clear at this time: I would make a great mayor. From today to the day of my inauguration I would spend nearly every waking hour acclimating myself to every law, ordinance and issue that the mayor could hold sway over.

I do not commit to anything unless I give all I have. I would make myself accessible to every single resident. And if anyone in Logan wanted to find me, they could mosey on down to the intersection of Church Street and Federal Avenue midday to give me an earful.

I am smug and condescending, but I am not inaccessible. I would brand myself “The Walking Mayor.” That guy you see strolling up and down Main Street who happens to be enmeshed with political power. Loganites would not need to look hard to find me.

I will never be mayor. But it would be great if all mayors—big city or small—would be that neighbor they could approach just to shoot the breeze with.

Of course, once I took the oath of office, things would immediately be different than most people in these parts were used to. Immediately after my inauguration I would marry gay couples right in the City Council chambers. I would ask the Logan Chief of Police to decriminalize marijuana and prostitution—at least until my inauguration party was over.

I would set up cameras throughout town to crack down on people who are using their phones when driving. I would sign an executive order that those people would be forced to live in Paradise, Utah.

Would being forced to live in Paradise violate the U.S. Constitution’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment?

More executive orders? Sure! In bullet points:

  • Screaming children are not allowed in restaurants. Get a babysitter or don’t go out to eat.
  • Each business downtown must open on Sunday.
  • You can’t wear BYU shirts anywhere within city limits. Keep that trash in Provo.
  • Logan would secede from Utah and we’d petition to join Idaho or Colorado.
  • I’d allocate $250 million to lure an NHL team to town.
  • Ranch dressing must be kept behind a Zion Curtain.
  • Fireworks would be restricted to Independence Day and Pioneer Day only.

That last edict is something I would actually do. It is ridiculous that unthoughtful rednecks have the autonomy to make noise for two whole weeks a year to “celebrate” two holidays…one of which they do not care about in the slightest. I dread July in this valley. Dogs go nuts and people work early mornings in this town. Two days is more than enough.

My candidacy would be a bigger failure than 3D televisions. If “Anyone But Harry” was a candidate, it would get at least 50% of the vote. I would, however, love to be in the debates. But is that enough motivation to launch a campaign that would be less appetizing than convenience store sushi? As much as I love to hear my own voice and throw verbal grenades for no particular reason, I must admit the answer to that question would be no.

And so, with an insincere heart, and with a full realization that most people would consider my mayorship to be a fulfillment of the Book of Revelation, I will bow out of a race no one wanted me to join.

If, by chance, a write-in campaign for my candidacy gained momentum….well, it would be rude for me to say no.

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