What if press releases were completely honest? The following is satire.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Wednesday, November 4th, 2015
Count My Vote Statement on SB54 Ruling
Judge upholds and affirms constitutionality of Count My Vote’s election reforms.
SALT LAKE CITY -Count My Vote today expressed its appreciation to US District Judge David Nuffer for his hard work and timely decision in the SB54 case. “Judge Nuffer’s ruling provides sorely needed clarity for Utah’s candidates and political parties. We also express our heartiest guffaws to the Utah Republican Party and Chairman James Evans for their catastrophic loss.
“While I hate to sound like a schoolboy, neener neener neener, Chairman Evans,” said Count My Vote Co-Chair Rich McKeown. “This was more than we could have hoped for when we started this process, and we couldn’t have had this overwhelming win without his help. Really, this victory belongs to all of us. But it especially belongs to the Utah Republican Party, as there is no victory without a loser.”
In his ruling yesterday, Judge Nuffer struck only a single line from SB54. He upheld all other portions of SB54. Judge Nuffer’s ruling specifically confirmed the constitutionality of using signatures to get directly to a primary ballot.
Judge Nuffer’s ruling leaves in place all criteria for “qualified political parties” under the law, including a requirement that a party must permit its members to choose to seek nomination through both the convention and signature-gathering processes. If the Utah Republican Party attempts to restrict members’ participation through the signature path, it would no longer be a QPP and be unable to nominate candidates for office via convention.
“Tonight we will be celebrating like the 1965 Boston Celtics. We are in the midst of an historic winning streak that appears to be unstoppable for the foreseeable future,” said co-Chairwoman Gail Miller. “While I wish it would be celebrating like the 1997 Utah Jazz, Michael Jordan stopped that. However, the Utah Republican Party are no Chicago Bulls.”