Less than 24 hours after a controversial revelation declaring Donald Trump as the Anti-Christ was leaked to the media, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka the Mormon Church) has clarified its position on the Republican presidential candidate’s role in the End of Days.
“There have been erroneous reports that President Thomas S. Monson has received revelation that Donald Trump was the Anti-Christ and therefore, Armageddon is upon us,” Church spokesman Eric Hawkins said in a press release. “Pres. Monson will be delivering the full wording of the revelation at the Sunday morning session of General Conference, but in the meantime we wish to emphasize that while Trump is indeed an antichrist, he is not the great Anti-Christ known as the dragon spoken about in the Book of Revelations, and therefore this does not necessarily mean the Second Coming is nigh.”
Trump supporters have pointed to this revelation as possible reason why their candidate performed so poorly in the March 22nd Utah caucuses. He came in third to Ted Cruz and John Kasich. However, word of the revelation was not leaked until March 31, and therefore there was no way this information could have been widespread.
“They got the word around somehow,” complained Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski on CNN’s This Morning. “Maybe they passed the word in their secret temples. We don’t know.” When asked if they would pursue legal action, Lewandowski responded, “Maybe. It’s an awfully nice tax exemption the Mormon church has there. It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.”
Trump himself responded to queries as a rally in Madison, Wisconsin. “Look, I haven’t seen the revelation. I’ve only heard about it, and people tell that they’re trying to say I’m antichrist, which is ridiculous. No one is more pro-Christ than me. I think it just shows that maybe, you know, I don’t know. People tell me they’re a cult. Maybe they’re a cult and we need to look into it. Every online poll, Drudge and everyone, says I should have won Utah, so maybe something else is going on there. Something’s not right, or their women would be more attractive. Not like Wisconsin. Wisconsin has some beautiful women, let me just tell you.”
When asked if Trump would now ban Mormon missionaries from returning to the United States, he would say he would “look into it.”
The purported revelation was originally leaked by excommunicated podcaster John Dehlin, who emphasized that it had come from multiple sources who said Pres. Monson has dementia but received the revelation during a moment of clarity. “Based on the Church’s reaction, it shows my sources were right,” said Dehlin.
Happy April Fools Day. The above is not quite satire, but also, not quite true. It is, however, YUUUGGGEEE.