President Pence

by Harry Caines

Fearless predictions:

Mike Pence will be the 46th President of the United States.

Mike Pence will become the 46th President of the United States before January 20th, 2021.

How is that for putting myself out there? My reasoning behind these predictions is fairly easy to digest.

In the two months that he has been President of the United States, Donald J. Trump has shown a disturbing constancy of ineptitude. He has exuded a level of mental instability that disqualifies him from serious consideration as a statesman. He has embarrassed this country with his oafish, immature behavior. He is a proven pathological liar. He has surrounded himself with avaricious family members, white supremacists and conspiracy theorists. He informs himself about world events by watching “Fox and Friends”. He is being investigated by the Federal Bureau of Investigations for suspicious ties to Vladimir Putin and Russian oligarchs.

Donald Trump lives his life only to serve his interests and those of his family. He welcomes chaos, breathes mayhem and sleeps snugly in a storm of tumult. For Trump, these are all instruments to improve his brand and make himself money.

These unquestionable truths are my argument why I believe he will not finish out his term. In time, if he is not successfully impeached for breaking his oath to defend the Constitution of the Unites States, or if he is not indicted for being complicit with Russia in influencing the 2016 election to his favor, I believe he is simply going to quit.

Trump will head back to his golden tower in New York City and not care for a single second that he walked out on his misguided, undereducated, gullible, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-Semitic, fanatical, deplorable supporters.

He will quit and do something else to make money when being president makes his head hurt too much.

Under this hypothetical scenario, what would America be like under President Mike Pence? Let us stroll through this intriguing scenario.

Firstly, Pence would need to address the fact that the man he just succeeded was a pathetic human and obviously mentally ill. This might be a hard sell. Pence has been a sycophant for his boss since accepting the nomination to be the Veep. Every chance he had, Pence extolled Trump’s purported political mastery as if he was a messiah.

But not lately.

For the past month, Mike Pence has lived outside of the big tent that is Trump’s tweeting circus of insanity. He popped his head up to endorse the Republican plan to replace the Affordable Care Act. He has made a few appearances at churches. Annnnnnnnd, that has been about it.

Those are things a Republican candidate for president would do. Pence is acting like a man that doesn’t want to be photographed laughing at the naked man running through a subway station. My innate cynicism commands me to believe that Pence is preparing himself for the big chair.

The second move President Pence would need to make is to fumigate the White House, figuratively and in the literal sense. Every one of Trump’s awful, terrible, shameless, glassy-eyed toadies must be forced to leave post haste.

Steve Bannon? He and his extra white dress shirts should be physically removed from the building.

Kellyanne Conway? Throw her out onto Pennsylvania Avenue; and trash that couch she squatted on like a redneck watching a “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” marathon.

Stephen Miller? A mental hospital. With many sessions of shock therapy.

Sean Spicer? I hate to admit this, but I kinda like Spicey. He entertains me. He can stay.

And that brings us to the third and most crucial thing the new president would need to do. President Pence must spend a week calling every world leader that is considered our ally and profusely apologize for the cacophony of insults President Mar-a-Lago hurled at those countries that are vital to our economy and our security.

You might have noticed that I did not mention anything to do with domestic and social issues. There is a reason for that. And this is where I take shots at my fellow socially liberal friends.

For those unaware, Mike Pence is a social conservative. He is a Christian fundamentalist. His right-wing views on social issues have made many of my lefty compatriots question whether it is smarter to keep Trump in office. That is ridiculously naive.

Yes, President Mike Pence would be a threat to many of the progressive advances American society has seen in the 21st Century. Gay marriage, health care reform and immigration reform would be in peril of reverting to a darker time in our not-so-distance past. But unlike the Orange Lunatic, Pence is a man that can be reasonable.

Pence might be a right-winger, but he is sane. He has a lengthy resume in the realms of foreign affairs and governance. He will rely on smart people to give him vital, verified information; whereas, Comrade Donnie gets his information from Fox News hosts who whine about Americans marrying people of a different species.

Those who would disagree with a (soon-to-be) President Pence’s right wing ideology can oppose him through the democratic process. We—the majority of Americans that oppose President Trump—are continuously flummoxed trying to figure out how you get this wackadoo to take his meds and to step away from the Twitter.

Trump is going to quit. His inability to get Washington, D.C. to love him wounds him to his empty, amoral soul. His success in getting stupid, angry people to love him at rallies is not the transferable skill that makes for a full-time Commander-in-Chief. He will soon find bothersome details, such as ethics laws, will take a toll on his brand name. He does not want to work. He wants to be loved.

Mike Pence would then be the leader of a divided country, filled with abandoned believers and emboldened opponents. Pence may never be free of the taint of Trump; but when he takes over, as I predict he will, it will be interesting to see how swiftly he removes every vestige of his predecessor’s presence.

The good news for Pence is that our expectations would be so low that he might trip over that bar, even if only by accident. Faint praise indeed.

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