EDITOR’S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE. REALLY. RELAX.
- “Great to catch up. How long has it been? Seems only yesterday, I was totally focused on get out the vote in Ohio and waiting until after the election to meet with the completely awesome transition team you assembled for me.”
- “I’m so glad you totally brought me and Ann up to speed on the Count My Vote petition drive. I think it’s exactly what Josh needs, and I completely agree that primaries are the only way to get the will of the people. Except when I am asked to deliver a recorded statement to the convention again. Or when I’m in Iowa, which is just an awesome state, by the way. So many great people in Iowa.”
- “Please have your team send over to me the latest spreadsheets on the signature collection efforts. Did I ever tell you about how I personally counted paper clips before my firm decided to invest in Staples? Important lessons we can all learn from my actions regarding investing … and counting.”
- “Also, thank you for filling me in on all the efforts your firm is making to profit off the Affordable Care Act. Of course, we agree that the law is just a terrible one. But it is the law of the land. And it gives me and Ann comfort to know that you are going to help implement it. And it is a totally legit, free-market way to make a living, by the way.”
- “In summary, this convoluted plan you have to unseat Mike Lee is just top notch. And the dream team you’ve brought together to execute the plan is the bee’s knees. I have to ask, though, have you considered whether it would have been more cost-effective to back a challenger, hire Dave Hansen, and try and take him out at convention?”