Why The Ghostbusters Must Be Stopped

Ghostbusters_logo.svgWho are the Ghostbusters? Living Ayn Randian archetypes using their own genius to create a new technology to save humankind? Or living proof that capitalism destroys and only government can save us?

Read Ted & Annette Fleming’s scathing expose on the Ghostbusters’ tactics and wonder no more.  The Flemings reveal these so-called “parapsychologists” for the hustlers they are. Ghostbusters’ founders, Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz, and Egon Spengler, are barely scientists backed by dubious credentials. The purpose of science is to serve mankind, but these men seem to see science as some kind of hustle. Their theories are the worst kind of populist tripe, their methods are sloppy, and their conclusions are highly questionable.

They flood our airwaves with their cheesy commercials claiming to capture ghosts, but it’s just deceptive marketing and fancy light shows which bilk a grotesquely stupid public. There are no such thing as ghosts, everyone knows that. The thousands of customers inundating Ghostbusters headquarters with desperate entreaties to save them from paranormal activity are most likely suffering from sense and nerve gas-induced hallucinations.

What is motivating the Ghostbusters to this level of deception? The lead huckster himself, Dr. Venkman, made a most revealing statement when a hot mic caught him saying, “no fee is too big.” You see! These pseudo scientists are just in it for the money!

Industry insiders say these no-holds-barred free market capitalists are quickly creating a monopoly. These ruthless and amoral profit seekers recently apprehended an apparition which had haunted the Sedgewick Hotel for decades, and when hotel management balked at the price to capture the specter, they threatened to release it! If that’s not an example of ruthless capitalism run amok, then what is?

And where do the Ghostbusters put these wraiths once they’ve been captured? Who knows! The group won’t allow access to their containment unit, claiming it’s proprietary information. Well, we keep hearing wild stories in the media and feel it’s time we assess the possibility of dangerous and hazardous waste chemicals. It’s high time the EPA or even FDA investigate this business and institute a rigorous regulatory environment. If someone wants to build a ghost containment plant, they can. We just need to make sure that it bankrupts them.

Some on the right will cry socialism. But they’re wrong, it’s actually fascism. Even so, the Ghostbusters have it coming. This New York startup didn’t build that. They are utterly reliant upon public services like electricity and roads, and the social contract dictates public ownership of the Ghostbusters’ business. Let’s see what happens when we send in the EPA to shut off their power. How will their street-fighting ethos serve them then?

Perhaps that will teach them to treat their employees better. Workers haven’t been allowed to unionize, and reports are that the Ghostbuster’s new hires have only increased their pay a measly $5,000 a year. This despite having top flight qualifications in the food service and housekeeping industries.

So here’s what’s going to happen. Ghostbusters will dominate the ghost capture market, creating a monopoly that takes advantage of the ghost-crazed public. Society is going to realize the Ghostbusters need to be checked. The Ghostbusters, by virtue of their own success, will show the world that paranormal investigations should not be left to the dog-eat-dog private sector that expects results. No, ghost busting should be left to the experts – the government.

Satire inspired by the Ghostbusters’ 30 year anniversary, and this Salon.com Uber hate piece.

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